Developmental Perspective

Elementary School Age (6–12 years)

Children ages 6–12 experience an amazing period of learning new skills and consolidating that learning in many areas of their lives—academic, athletic, artistic, and interpersonal. It is wonderful when a child finds something he loves doing and discovers that through his own ability and practice, he enjoys the pride in his improved skills. Rules and fairness matter to a child at this age. They are reassured by knowing that parents have a good treatment plan for the parent’s cancer and a plan for how the family will be organized to make this treatment possible.

The comfort of friends

Relationships with individual peers and status in the peer group become more important. Children want to be valued for their skills within the peer group and may feel uncomfortable if challenges at home or with family are made public at school or in afterschool settings. Ideally, a child establishes a best friend during these years, which allows him to enjoy the feeling of having a soul mate and offers the self-esteem boost of knowing he is someone’s first-choice friend before experiencing the added complexity of dating that comes with adolescence.

The number of relationships a child has with adults outside the family expands, as does the child’s ability to talk about why some are favorites and others are disliked. This is a great opportunity to engage in shaping a child’s view of what characteristics are present in caring adults.

Dealing with difficulty

During these years children will experience the full range of emotions, including all the hard-to-bear ones such as anger, disappointment, embarrassment, and sadness. They will need to learn to manage those difficult feelings without hurting themselves or others, without destroying their own belongings or those of others, and to continue in spite of these feelings to maintain important relationships within the family and in the outside world. This requires learning how to let off steam in healthy ways, how to repair relationships, and how to forgive others and themselves.

Parenting tips

Connect with the parents of your child’s best friend or favorite neighborhood chum. If they are willing, these adults can be a special support to you and your child. Their homes are likely to be favorite places to spend time if you are at a treatment or not feeling up to making a meal or supervising active children.
Simplify after school schedules. Talk with your child about which activity is a favorite and which may be temporarily put on hold. It is better for your child to get to one favorite activity regularly than to irregularly attend several.
Limit family time spent socializing with well-wishers. A common complaint of children this age is that there are too many visitors during family time (after school to bedtime) with whom they are supposed to be polite or who are occupying valuable parent attention. They want the privacy and intimacy of family-only times.
Post a weekly schedule that your child can check. Putting up a schedule with everyone’s activities that indicates which supervising adult(s) will be at your house to help with each day allows your child know what to expect. Life feels more calm and stable when a child knows who the daily “go-to” person will be at home and who will be providing carpooling or other supports.
Establish a regular daily check-in time. One important way to communicate that you care is to put aside 5–10 minutes every day to hear about the details of your child’s day. This is a chance to ask about schoolwork, afterschool activities, and how the support system is working. Invite sharing about successes and frustrations as well as questions about any aspect of how things are going now or what to expect in the future.